Post Roast: The Roast Of Michael McGuire

Dylan Watters, Scoop The Wetman

McGuire stretches his arms with a yawn and opens the curtains.  It’s sunny and 72°, a perfect day for antagonizing unsuspecting kids and being bald.  McGuire jumps out of bed and hurries to the washroom; McGuire doesn’t own bathrooms for they are too mainstream.  He brushes his teeth, combs his remaining hair (98% of which is on his face), and rolls up his sleeves revealing a sick tattoo.

Dressed for success and looking like a star on the hipster version of Duck Dynasty, McGuire puts on a pair of Birkenstocks and heads to his 1994 Honda Moped- the vehicle of choice for McGuire.  The only thing wrong with mopeds in McGuire’s eyes is with the lack of stereo systems on the simple, eco-friendly, sleek piece of machinery such as the 1994 Honda Elite in the color “Your opinion is irrelevant White” is that he is unable to listen to his favorite bands, such as Radiohead, Cage The Elephant, and Coldplay.  

On the road now, McGuire switches lanes, passive aggressively cutting off an SUV without signaling, for signaling is too mainstream.  The inconsiderate owner of the gas-guzzling SUV honks at McGuire, but he isn’t fazed, for McGuire isn’t wrong; McGuire is incapable of being wrong.  After causing four wrecks, two from failure to signal and two from blinding drivers with his baldness, McGuire rolls up to Dowling Catholic and double parks his moped.  Strutting into school stroking his Gandalf beard, McGuire scans the halls for anyone even remotely looking like they want to argue.  

Disappointed at finding no one to commence in  verbal combat with, McGuire plops down in his desk, sips his coffee, and reads “The Scarlet Letter.”  Class starts and McGuire puts down his book, preparing to teach.  Wait a minute…. Are those kids….. Laughing?  McGuire is triggered. “SHUT UP!!!!!!” McGuire screams, ticked off that the kids were laughing, whispering above .002 decibels and breathing somewhat audibly. Angered, McGuire declares there will be a surprise reading check that he specifically made different than the last class’s, so there be no answer sharing. He turns on his favorite Radiohead song “Lotus Flower.” After McGuire subdues his rage and quenches his thirst for a reading check, he dives into silent reading time for the remainder of class for the fifth day in a row.

Boom. Roasted.

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The Cool Down: Joking aside Mr.McGuire is a great teacher and my time in class with him was not only very beneficial to my learning of course material, but my knowledge on issues in life outside writing and reading and how to be a good, successful person in society.  Shout out to McGuire for being the first Post Roast and being a chill dude when he isn’t listening to Radiohead and wearing Birkenstocks!