Post Roast : The Roast Of Jarek Sefrit

Dylan Watters, Co-Editor

Once upon a time in a classroom far far away there was a teacher named Mr. Sefrit.  Jarek Sefrit was widely known throughout the land of Dowling Catholic for being the only hobbit to receive a degree.  That’s not all Sefrit has on his accomplishment list though!  Many people wouldn’t know, but Sefrit has left his subtle mark on the silver screen over the short course of his career.  He starred in the hit film Little Man, played as an extra oompa loompa in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and of course who could forget Sefrit’s debut performance in Stars Wars Return of the Jedi as the perfect hairy little ewok soldier.  Like Mr. Seifret shooting a jump shot, his career never got off the ground.  Sefrit spent a few years floating in and out of jobs.  He spent a few months as a nightstand, a month as kindergarten line leader, and part time as a blue berry (when he wore his blue shirt).  Things weren’t looking up for Sefrit, every dollar he made got stolen when the 6th graders ran their weekly beatings on him on his commute home from work. Sefrit went to fall back and mooch of his girlfriend in his time of need but fell flat on the ground. We all know Sefrit never had a girlfriend.  About this time is when Sefrit’s mom kicked him and all of his action figures out of the basement and he decided to make a change in his life and try to become a teacher.

The job fit tremendously, kids loved Mr. Sefrit. right off the bat! whether it was his joyful personality, or the way he easily gets down (or up) to their level, kids and Sefrit just really see eye to eye (literally).  This is most likely why Sefrit makes such a good math teacher, baseball coach, “football coach”, etc. Sefrit has been helping kids find tangents, strike zones, and the end-zone for years now and has had some great success.  Although no matter how many things Mr. Sefrit helps kids find, he sadly can’t find a girlfriend.  It has been rumored that Sefrit did in fact attempt to engage in conversation and eventually a relationship with a woman.  However, the relationship was short lived.  They fought a lot and she said she “wouldn’t stoop to his level any longer”.  She left and took Mr. Sefrit’s famed, but never seen in real life, Trans Am with her. I took a trip back to Sefrit’s 2012 Facebook page to confirm these allegations.  As suspected the rumors proved true, on December 10, 2012 Sefrit posted to his Facebook “Finally have a girlfriend in college!!!!!!”  This monumental moment in the young Sefrit’s life was followed by an even bigger announcement to Facebook on December 13, 2012, “Things moved a little faster than expected but I’m officially engaged!!!” All of this excitement ended worse than young Sefrit’s grammar with a shade post that signified the end of Sefrit’s first and last relationship and the moving back in with his mom.  It was back to hopelessly flirting with her friends on bingo night again.

To find out more information on Mr. Sefrit I interviewed his former student and football player under “coach” Sefrit, Ricky Fernandez.  I started off my questions with how Ricky would describe Mr. Sefrit in three words with a response from Ricky of “Blueberry, roll-able, 40“.  Next I asked between Ricky and Mr. Sefrit who would win in a fight.  Ricky responded immediately with “He’d get two jabs in, but I would just run around until the lil guy got tuckered out then the bows would be thrown“.  My last and most important question was about what Ricky thought of Sefrit as a football coach.  Ricky responded with “Sefrit says he is a coach, but all he does is walk around with a football in his hands remembering his career high of 46 yards in a regular season game at his 1A high school.  He also claims to have authority to sub guys in, but actually just waits for Cataldo to tell him what to do.

Next I asked a student who has spent a lot of time with Mr. Sefrit a few questions focused more on Sefrit’s teaching skills.  The student has chosen to remain anonymous to protect them from Sefrit telling his mom on them.  I started the interview with the important question of what the mystery person thought of Mr. Sefrit’s teaching.  They responded with, “Mr. Sefrit must have gotten his degree in a box of Cracker Jacks, I’d have a better time learning from a parrot.”  Quickly writing the previous answer down I asked the mystery man or woman what it would take for Mr. Sefrit to find a lady.  They didn’t respond they just laughed.  Next I asked what they thought Mr. Sefrit’s house looked like.  Quickly they responded with “Most likely Mr. Sefrit’s house looks identical to his parents house, because he probably lives with his parents.”  I admit to the readers now that I have made this last series of quotes up and I am the mystery man, tell your mom Sefrit she probably throws hands better than you.




Cool Down: Sefrit is one of my favorite teachers and sophomore football/math would have been less than satisfactory without him.  I’m sure some day Sefrit will find love.