The old yellow house sat in the middle of the loud, crowded neighborhood. Kids filled the streets, pets ran around, motorcycles and four wheelers filled the alley. The absence and longing of a father was so silent that it felt louder than anything. My friend group, all longing for the same thing from each of our fathers. Never given, but always hoped for. It developed us into who we are today.

Father absence was never really anything any of us talked about directly. It didn’t need to be. It shaped us into ways that were both undeniable and invisible. In our tangle of friends – 6 girls and 1 boy who grew up on cracked sidewalks and shared hand-me-down bikes and clothes – each of us carried a very private and emotional inventory of memories with more blank spaces than filled in ones. Sometimes our fathers weren’t truly gone – they were right there in the house, or in the garage, but their shadows never settled. Present, but unreachable. Their voices were heard, but rarely spoke of anything meaningful to us children. The relationship was never a normal father- child relationship. They were angry and distant, raising us kids as their fathers had raised them. No growth, just carrying the burdens they never explained. We all learned early how to read the creak of footsteps, how to swallow our own hopes before they rose too high, and how to never trust in a promise that was given by someone who was not stable nor present.

The longing became more complicated over the years, with our moms growing and stepping up to provide us with something better, our dads became totally absent. The longing wasn’t just for a father who had left but for the version of a father we never had – someone who listened, someone who cared, someone who put forth effort. That absence, wrapped into a disguise of presence, shaped each of us just as deeply as abandonment. It taught us to perform emotional independence, avoid depending on anyone, and how to build emotional worlds on foundations that never felt fully solid. While the necessity of self reliance can be a strength, it does not come without its challenges. The absence of a father may lead to a void of understanding healthy relationships, understanding how to be loved, and how to trust. This can oftentimes lead to difficulty in forming deep connections, a tendency to avoid emotional attachment, or a struggle to trust others fully.

Although it can also lead to growth, to children finally growing into adults and breaking the cycle. Experiencing the impact of an absent, uninvolved father can instill a deep desire to create a different future for one’s own family and to break the cycle of absence. By acknowledging the pain, lessons, and moments from their past individuals can actively choose to forge a new path. This transforms  pain and anger into motivation, strength, and resilience, ultimately becoming better than the generation before us.

The longing eventually turns into a grudge and a sense of resentment. This shift often transpires as we mature and develop a clear understanding of our father’s choices and how those choices have affected our childhood. Milestones, holidays, events, which should be shared rather become painful reminders of a father’s absence. Then hopefully eventually that resentment will disappear as we all grow into  adults and acknowledge as well as process the pain that was caused. This requires oneself to feel the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, and the hurt while understanding that these are all very valid emotions. Forgiveness, while not condoning my father’s actions, can be a powerful step for myself as it will hopefully help to focus on personal growth, healing my inner child, and choosing to create a future free from the shadow of the past.